Jeff

From my earliest memories I have always perceived myself to be different from my surroundings, a lonely creation of someone or something I did not know nor understand. As a child I was labeled a genius, placed at the head of my class, a teacher in my own right at the tender age of 5. I never really had a chance to discover what it was like to "fit in" with other people. I never had a chance to share what I knew with someone who would understand, or even listen for that matter. My parents were not Christians when I was born but became so soon afterwards, serving a God whom I could not see. They say children aren't supposed to think about things such as that, but I believe it is more common than adults want to realize or admit. Where is this Jesus? Why can't I see him? Why can't I talk to him? Those questions, if they had been asked, might have seemed like childish "who is, what is" games without the truth of my situation being revealed. The truth being that I could see other spirits, in my room every night without fail, from about the age of three. They went by many names and had different personalities and I got to know them all. They were my friends, my only friends. I "fit in" with them. They taught me things and I would in turn teach others. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that other people didn't have these experiences. This knowledge succeeded in further isolating me from reality and life.

Now before you mark me off as some sort of nut please give me the opportunity to explain. Yes there are mental illnesses. Yes there are hallucinations and delusions, especially in mentally disturbed and drug dependant individuals. Yes I've had hallucinations at times (I was very fond of LSD and other psychodelics) and yes some people still say I am mentally ill (and who am I to argue). Even I myself admit to being a little "off the wall" and I am not particularly fond of being called "normal", which I'm not by the way. But please understand, one thing I have never ever been called is dumb. I was blessed with intelligence and although I have done some dumb things in my life, I myself am not. Hallucinations and delusions do not affect real-life situations. In a mentally ill person or someone that is experiencing some sort of hallucination, they are the only ones who see it or experience it's effects. Not so with my spirits. They could influence other people and my surroundings in ways that even amazed me sometimes. If these things were the result of some sort of "trip", then everybody I knew or come into contact with was on the exact same trip I was.

As I grew older I acquired a seemingly unquenchible thirst for knowledge. I loved science and the art of discovering how and why something worked. I continued to learn about the spiritual world from the spirits who had become so close to me, but I wanted to know more. I began to wonder if the spirits were being honest with me. I set out to discover the truth behind my existence and my relationship to these beings. I began directing my questions toward people, people who claimed a sense of spirituality or a sense of knowledge. I learned very quickly that the world is full of masks, worn by those who are afraid of the truth and the process of finding it. Science didn't acknowledge the existence of spirits, only the beliefs in such things. They made it human and I knew it wasn't. I sought out religions who claimed to have knowledge of the spirit realm. What I found were more masks, ritualistic and routine lifestyles with no true sense of the spiritual world in which I knew we lived. I turned to my parents religion, Christianity, whose believers claimed to serve the most powerful, all knowing, all seeing God in the universe. I thought that surely they could help me find meaning in my unique circumstances and help me to better understand the spiritual world. I started reading the Bible. I read of a great and mighty God who talked and walked with his people, of angels who visited in the night, of those who, by the laying on of hands and prayer would accomplish fantastic feats, bringing the spiritual into the physical reality. I thought "this is it, I have found those that can help me". I started asking questions, relating some of my experiences to those of the Christian faith that I met. I was waiting for someone to say "yes I know where your coming from" or at the very least a simple "o.k., I'm listening". I never got either answer. Instead, I encountered the largest variety of masks and falsehood I had ever seen. People would read out of the same Bible I had, and then completely disregard the spiritual aspect of everything. It was like discovering another political party or something. To someone who had never had a spiritual experience they would have probably been very convincing. But to me, who lived a spiritual existence every day of my life, I saw that they didn't have a clue. I was more lost than ever, in more ways than one.

I continued through high school and young adulthood, furthering my spiritual experiences with no one but myself and the spirits I encountered to guide me. I kept most all of my revelations to myself and became very much a loner, not wanting to ever get too involved with this physical world which had become so dirty and boring to me. I had sunk into a world of alcohol and drug abuse, alternating my rituals and substances as to not interfere with each other. I found that drugs and other substances were most often a hindrance in the spiritual realm and made it difficult to function properly and effectively. I was almost killed several times because of stupid mistakes made in spiritual situations while I was under the influence of some intoxicant.

Being the "scientist" that I was, I performed many tests throughout my learning cycles. I had to prove to myself that the world I lived in was real, not hallucinations, not mental illness, not self-induced in any way. Over and over I would try to prove that what was happening to me was all a big hoax I had played on myself and each and every time I proved that it wasn't, that the world in which I was living was as real as the spirits that were in it.

As my life continued on an ever increasing downward spiral, my physical situation became worse and worse. My drug and alcohol use had become severe and the spiritual and physical worlds which had been seperate for the most part were becoming one in the same. I had become quite the criminal ending up in jails a total of over 50 seperate times. Four DUIs by age 18, numerous drug charges, evading arrest, assault, revoked license charges, stealing, cheating, and the list goes on and on. I was placed in institutions, 5 seperate treatment centers, sent to psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, AA, NA, Teen Challenge, counselors of different types, and nothing worked. No one could explain to me why I felt the way I did or what my experiences meant. No one could understand what was going on in my life. Except for the spirits who had always been there and the new ones I had met on the way, I was totally alone. I would very often dream of shedding this pathetic fleshly shell once and for all. I was simply waiting to die.

During the course of all this turmoil my physical body was failing me. The particular type of spiritual activity I had grown to love was very dangerous and treacherous on the physical body, and actually involved stopping the heart for several minutes at a time. Combined with sometimes massive drug use with occassional overdoses, regular excessive alcohol consumption, and no real need for food except to survive, my body developed many infections and some serious disorders. I was repeatedly hospitalized for stomach disorders including ulcers, had various forms of hospitalizing tests run on my digestive tract, was forced to have chronically swollen lymph nodes removed from my neck, my appendix was removed, and my lungs spontaneously collapsed twice causing the need for a small portion of my left lung to be removed and the lung sealed with metal staples which still show up on chest x-rays. Once I was lying on my back in the emergency room and a doctor came over to me, sit down, and told me that I would be dead within ten years. I was 23 years old at that time. The typical reaction would be fear, but, as you've probaly noticed by now, I was far from typical. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to make it another ten years in this awful, restrictive world. Several times I came so close to death, but each time something, or someone, saved me. Some little stroke of "fate" would come into play and I would survive. Once as I lay in the hospital emergency room, semi-conscious, after taking a massive overdose of various types of drugs, and repeatedly stopped breathing. Just so happens, there was someone there to shake me and make me breathe when I wouldn't do it myself. This happened many times, car accidents, shootings, fights, spritual battles, I would always be spared someway. One of my sayings used to be, "If I was as lucky in life as I am when I'm trying to die, I would be a millionaire."

I continued to search for others like me, who felt as I felt. I knew I couldn't be the only one. Nobody is the only one. My search turned up a small but growing group of people very much like myself, although seemingly not as educated. I established a relationship with this coven but never fully committed myself to them. I did not trust them and many of them sought what I had accomplished. Besides, I had been alone for so long I couldn't seem to overcome the desire for solitude, although it was nice to finally have people to talk to.

As I reached my late twenties, my life had become one big trail of misery. I was no longer having fun, I had no home of my own, no friends, no relationship with my family, nothing to show for my existence at all. All I had was the spirits that had been there for so long. I had gotten into a quest for power at some time in my life and had aquired many spirits whom I counted on to make it in this world. Then, rather suddenly, the spirits were no longer my friends. I had disobeyed a certain request that was issued to me by the spirits and they began to turn on me. The only friends I had, the ones whom I had thrown away my entire life for were turning on me. They began to taunt me and accuse me of not being loyal. We got into many arguments and even some internal battles within our own ranks. This continued for some time until I felt more alone than I had ever felt. I had absolutely no one now, not even the spirits. Finally, one day in the middle of a wheat field, I confronted my spirits once and for all. I had learned as a child not to ever fear a spirit no matter what happened, and that had become such a part of me over the years that I had gained a certain amount of prowess among the spiritual community as being the chosen one. The one who, without even hidden fear, could accomplish goals reserved only for the most high. This was a major day in my world as I confronted the spirits whom I had planned my eternity with. I was prepared to die.

The confrontation lasted only a few minutes although it seemed like hours. Once again I was asked to complete the task I had been given and once again I refused. The attacks started then ceased as they saw I remained fearless and fully able not only to defend myself, but also to counter attack. They knew I was very schooled, experienced, and quite capable of performing very effectively on this plane. The confrontation became a standoff. Then suddenly, for reasons I still do not fully understand, I did something that surprised everyone and everything involved. I stopped everything I was doing, looked up into the blistering spiritual sky that resembles an Aorora, and said "Jesus, if your really up there and you care about me, and you are more powerful than these, get me out of here". What happened next was absoutely amazing. There were no lightning bolts, no sword wielding angels that came to my rescue, no thundering voice that shook the very ground on which I stood. But there was......something......something more wonderful than anything I had ever experienced. Very suddenly a voice came from inside my own spirit, like a wave crashing on the Gulf shore, flooding up from a part of my spirit that I didn't even know was there, a part that had been missing my whole life. A voice, quiet, precise, but full of the most extrordinary power I had ever known. It was as if my very life force had taken on speech. It was only five words, five small words, which said more to me than all the books I had ever read. The voice said simply, "You know the way out." In my mind I was instantly reminded of my father trying to tell me about Jesus. About how he loved me and wanted to save me. I cannot fully explain the revelation that had suddenly been pierced into my soul. It was as if, all of a sudden after years and years of searching, everything became crystal clear. I knew at that precise moment, that everything I had believed my whole life to be true was a lie, and what I had always believed to be a mis-interpretation of the Holy Bible was indeed true. I collected myself, and through the taunts and raves which had become hatred now due to my crying out to Jesus, I made my way toward my father's house. I didn't know what would happen or what I should do, all I knew is that I had to get to know the origin of that voice. That after all my years of searching, I had found what I was looking for after calling out just one name. That name was Jesus.

I arrived at my father's house shortly afterwards. He wasted no time getting me into the car and taking me to see his pastor. I was not enthused about going to see a "religious" leader but I knew that I had to seek the origin of that voice, and maybe they knew how. I arrived in the parking lot of the church my parents attended and there, with my parents and their pastor, I gave my heart to Jesus. I don't know if I recited the prayer exactly as he said it or not, but I said my prayer from my heart. I wanted to know him, not the preacher, not the people, I wanted to know Jesus. I wanted to know Jesus. I wanted to know Jesus.

I slept better that night than I had in years, but the next day was not as peaceful. I was tormented with thoughts of suicide. I heard the spirits calling me "Judas" and "traitor". I could barely think straight enough to function at all. My father came to where I was at and asked if he could help. I started explaining what was happening to me and instead of calling the crazy house as I expected him to, he called his pastor. Shortly afterwards I was taken to a small house one street down from the parking lot I had given my life to Jesus in the night before. Over the door of the house there was a plaque that read simply, "House of Prayer". I forced myself to go in, not wanting to leave the same as I came. I began the process of deliverance that night. People rallied around me, lots and lots of people, more than could fit in the room where we were praying. I could smell fear in the house but no one was harmed. They were being protected by the origin of that wonderful voice. Those sessions are very vague to me now. Only bits and pieces of them are available in my memory, but I do remember the final session, one moment in particular. The deliverance had been halted for a moment. The sessions had been very successful but now something was wrong. Everything had, for some reason, stopped progressing. The ministers asked questions and I answered the best I could but something wasn't right. We continued the questions and answers for a while longer when suddenly I felt as though I was going to die. My head was pounding, my nose bled, my heart was pounding in my chest, my muscles began to cramp and ache, and I began to hear the spirits. They said they had found a way and were going to kill me if I continued with this. With all the strength left in my body, I looked up and spoke, very definatively and meaning every single word from the depths of my heart and soul., I said "I would rather die with Jesus than live with you any longer". At that moment, I was set totally free and I have never been the same.

That was April 21, 1997. Today, I am happier and healthier than I have ever been in my life. I have a good job and play in a Christian metal band whos music appeals to a generation of young people who may be headed down the same road I was on for so many years and tend to feel forgotten or disregarded by the mainstream church. I have a great relationship with my kids, I have a great relationship with my parents, a wonderful marriage to a woman God himself directed me to (another great story of God's love and perfect will), and I have true friends who care about me. But most importantly, and what so many Christians seem to forget, is that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Not religion, but a relationship with the speaker of those five little words, spoken to me in the midst of my sin and despair. Spoken to me in the midst of demon spirits in a wheat field.

I still don't fit into the "norm" (thank you Jesus) as most people expect Christians to. I laugh sometimes at those who one day would ask me when I was going to cut my hair and the next day are asking me to play Jesus in the Easter drama. I am definately different and that's o.k. Jesus loves me and has plans for me just the way I am. He is teaching me and cleansing me for my task ahead. I have purpose and direction in my life and it feels oh so good. You know, Jesus was not accepted very well by the religious leaders in his day and that was o.k. What can I say, he's my hero.

Much of my testimony goes against a lot of theologies and denominations today. Although everything is biblical, it is still unsettling to many "religious" people. The world needs truth, not religion. We have enough religions and denominations for all nine planets and still have plenty left over. Jesus died for witches, warlocks, homosexuals, thieves, beggars, adulterers, and murderers just like he did for me and although he hates the sin, he loves the person just the same. I was turned away from Christianity for so many years because the ones I had met were so judgemental, condemning, and had no idea of who Jesus really was. They only knew what they had been told and what little they had read in the Bible. They had no relationship with Jesus whatsoever and no concept of the spiritual even though they claimed to serve a God they couldn't see and to be saved by an indwelling of The Holy Spirit. There are so many falsehoods out there and people are dying without Jesus everyday because somebody is living a lie. A religious, ritualistic lifestyle that has no power, love, or compassion is not Christian. I could call myself a duck, but I don't think I'll start quacking and waddling around a pond, not today anyway.

I heard the other day about a young boy who was kicked out of his house because he had adopted a homosexual lifestyle. He was like 16 or so and his parents had told him that he was no longer their son. They had told him that the Bible says homosexuality is wrong and that they were Christians and weren't going to stand for it. He is now sleeping on a blanket in a wooded area of the city and turning tricks on the street just to eat.....homeless, alone, and in danger. Now what do you think he would say to me if I walked up to him and asked him if he had ever heard about Jesus? He would probably say something like "Yea, I've heard of him. He's the reason I'm in this mess." That's not exactly a good representation of who Jesus really is, now is it? Jesus gave his life for that boy and now is being used as a scapegoat for parents who don't want to risk humiliation and public opinion by associating with him. Kinda' reminds you of the people that crucified Jesus doesn't it, and this is not as isolated an incident as most of us would like to believe.

The time has come for Jesus to come first, before all the theology, the religion, the differences in opinion, and to start helping these people who are out there searching for answers like I was. What if I had come to you when I was searching, lonely and depressed, could you have helped me? Could you have introduced me to Jesus or would you just invite me to church and then run away before somebody saw you talking to me? Think about it. If my getting saved depended on you, would I make it? There could be somebody out there that needs to see Jesus in your life. If you don't know him at all, I would definately recommend you introduce yourself. He is a great guy, to say the least, he will always be there for you, and he has an excellent retirement plan. Lots of love and God Bless.